Miscarriage

The following post is slightly graphic. 

Writing is sometimes therapeutic for me. I'm going to talk about something that is very hard for me to verbally say but I want everyone to know. Mostly so there are no awkward conversations. One day I will be able to talk about it. Maybe even in the next couple of days. But right now, every time I utter the word Miscarriage, my heart aches and the tears flow openly.

I had a miscarriage.

Sunday morning the boys and I went to church. Matt stayed home because he is working the night shift and so sleeps during the day. I was still on my new pregnancy high. 7 weeks pregnant, the baby was the size of a blueberry. That was our little nickname for it.

During church services I noticed I was cramping a little. My back was sore also. I just shrugged it off, thinking maybe I was being a little bit of a sissy. I had been spotting the week before and even went and had an ultrasound done. I saw the teeny heartbeat. I'll always remember that teeny little heartbeat. But according to my doctor, everything looked fine.

Spotting is normal as long as it's not bright red and there are no clots. So I just kept an eye on the spotting and slowed my activities way down. No lifting and lots of laying down to read.

Sunday afternoon we were invited over to a friends house for their daughters First Birthday. I arrived at 4pm, played with the baby. Watch David be crazy and silly per usual. I even received some congratulations for my pregnancy and showed off my ultrasound which showed a little blur for a baby. Even at that point I just wasn't feeling right. Call it intuition. I just couldn't put my finger on it.

At one point I went to the bathroom. It was then that I noticed my underwear was soaked with blood, amongst other things. I was devastated.

Matthew came to the door just as I was getting ready to leave. "Mom? Are you ok?" I opened the door, let him and start crying. I manage to say "I lost the baby." He immediately tears up and wraps his arms around me. I love that kid so much.

I then realized I was going to have to walk through a whole crowd of  people to get to the front door while still crying freely. I made it to the kitchen where my friend Beka was preparing food for the party. I managed to sputter out that I had to leave because I just had a miscarriage. She gave me a big hug (hugs really help) and offered to take the boys home later, I agreed and ran out of the door, desperate to get home to my husband.

I get home, wake Matt and we go to the ER. Mostly because I didn't know what to do in a situation like this. I'd never had a miscarriage. After a 4 hour wait, blood work, and an ultrasound, it is determined that this indeed is a miscarriage.

I had pretty much prepared myself for that outcome, but to hear those words come out of the doctors mouth broke that teeny tiny string of hope I had left. We cried and then I told Matt I just want to go get something to eat.

So he fed me, he hugged me, he even rubbed lotion on my legs because they were dry. He has been my rock through all of this. I am so thankful that he is mine and I am his.

I will say that even though this has happened and I am sad about it:
I will not let it define my life or who I am.
I am not broken.
I will be happy, although just not right now.
I will recover.
We will try again.
We love Matthew and David so much. We are eternally grateful to have them as our children.

Silly boys and a BIG surprise!!

Things have been kind of crazy here at the Shoemaker Homestead.

Winter is closing in fast so I've been trying to relish in the last warm days of Fall. 

Last week it was so warm we decided to grab some blankets and soak up some sun. It was just what we needed. 

A few days later Matthew took it upon himself to rake some leaves in the backyard. He then led his little brother out there and they jumped and played. It's days like that that get me through the days when they aren't getting along so well. 

Matthew as the leaf monster!!

 David attempted to be a headless leaf monster also but then quickly decided the itchy leaves were no fun to lay in.

A few nights ago Matt was off working the night shift at Energizer so it was just the boys and I. We went upstairs early that night. (Morning sickness has been kicking my behind and all I want to do is curl up in a bed with a good book.) 

So there I sat in my bed while the boys played. At one point they came in like this:

 Then Matthew had the brilliant idea of grabbing my sweater to put around David.

 Oh, these boys always know how to make me smile. 

In other news we found out that I AM PREGNANT!!!

I'll know more about when my due date is when I go to the doctor but we're estimating at late May/early June.

We couldn't be more thrilled. Everyone keeps asking if we hope it's a girl. Of course we'll take whatever is given to us. A girl would be different, but if it's a boy then at least we'll know what to do with it! Hahaha!

Stop Motion Animation

Matthew made his first stop-motion animation a few years ago to stave off boredom. 

He loves doing it and created another one just the other day with his friend Aurora. That one supposedly features a Transformers toy, but I have yet to see it.

He always astonishes me with his creativity.

 I hope he never gives up on it.   

Donut Heaven

About a week ago someone in my little family suggested making homemade yeast donuts. I don't remember who it was, maybe my dear husband who is well known for his massive sweet tooth. Either way the thought of  homemade yeast donuts  instantly had us all drooling. Matthew signed up to be my side kick in the donut making process. He was instantly ready to get in there. He even went and washed his hands without having to be ask. (he's getting so big! *sniff*)

I had never made donuts, much less yeast donuts.  I may be kind of weird, but I can't stand anyone (mostly my children who demand attention) in the kitchen when I'm trying a recipe for the first time. I just need to be able to concentrate so that I don't waste food if I botch it up. There's a lot of pressure there. I never like throwing away food. Even though we now give the veggie scraps to the chickens and the meat scraps to the dog. But those scraps aren't nourishing my family...so yeah, pressure.

Attempt #1 you're supposed to heat up the milk, sugar and butter on the stove until the butter melts. Well I didn't consider that the milk mixture would get screaming hot and kill the yeast when I poured it in there. That was a flop. Didn't rise one little bit. 

Attempt #2 heated up  the milk mixture and then let it cool for about 5-10 minutes. I also made sure to watch it so it didn't get as hot as it did last time. 

Nope, that didn't help either. The yeast died and I was left with dough that was hard as a rock. I wanted to throw it at someone!! But I didn't, I simply threw it in the compost pile. 

After the second attempt I decided to do some research. Matt was concerned that my yeast was old and that's why it wasn't rising. So I checked online and found a little experiment

Take couple of teaspoons of yeast and sugar and add them to a glass of lukewarm water, Let sit for about 5 minutes. If it starts to foam then you know your yeast is good!! If not, well then it's time to restock.

I also found out that the milk mixture needs to be between 80-90 degrees Fahrenheit.

Attempt #3 I took my newly discovered information and put it to the test. I dug out my candy thermometer and put together the milk mixture. I was shocked to discover that it took almost a half an hour to cool down to 90 F after getting everything melted. I just wasn't expecting that. 

Matthew then joined me in the kitchen. I felt pretty confident it was going to work this time. David was not allowed in the kitchen at that time because he becomes very needy and demanding. (I want a drink! No milk! I want water......umm, no. I want milk!) It's a bit tiring. Luckily Matt was home and swooped in to distract David with toys and good ol' rough-housing.   

Matthew and I measured and mixed. Then the hardest part. THE WAITING!!

(Would it rise!?! Would it fail?? Only time would tell!?!)

We waited an excruciating 60 minutes. I tried not to go into the kitchen during that time. And if I did, I did not make eye contact with the covered bowl sitting on the counter. 

The timer dinged (Matthew practically informed the entire neighborhood) 

SUCCESS!! THE DOUGH HAD RISEN!!

I won't bore you with the rest of the cooking process.

 We fried them up and topped with warm chocolate frosting. Oh yeah, they were divine!!

Matthew had just polished off his second donut when he practically floated into the kitchen proclaiming "I think I'm in Donut Heaven!"

Once I figured out all that I was doing wrong, they didn't take too long to make.

It looks like we may have the start of a family tradition on our hands. I can handle that.

Zombie Manicures

The past 3 days I have been plagued with terrible insomnia. I would lay in bed and just wait.....and wait...and wait, for sleep to over take me.

So naturally I would get up and roam around the house. Picking up toys. Sweeping floors, rearranging bookshelves. There was even some vacuuming involved.

Nothing online was worth watching.

I was bored. And wide awake. And the rest of the family was tucked cozily into their beds. With content looks on their faces. I know, because I would go and watch them for a little bit. Does that sound creepy? I just think they look so perfect just laying there and re energizing for the next day. I never know how my day is going to go with those two pieces of my heart. I love it.

Anyways, after I finished gazing creepily at my children I went downstairs and fiddled around on Youtube.

I love finding beauty tips that look slightly complex but in fact are super-de-dooper-easy.

So, I found this little gem. (it's a nail tutorial)

I spent a couple of uninterrupted hours painting and decorating my nails. I did get some stress-relief from all of this but at the same time just wishing I could go to sleep.

Around 5 this morning I finally fell asleep.

Matt woke me up around 10 with pancakes on the table! My-oh-my...he's a keeper.

I then spent the rest of the day preparing corn to be frozen, making cucumber salad from our huge cumbers and working on restoring our bathroom door, amongst other household chores

At the end of the day, after I had gotten the toddler out of the bath I look down and realize that my polish is already starting to come off.

I wasn't bitter. I kind of think of it like "washing your car to get rain"

I painted my nails the night before and had terrible insomnia. But I got up and played with my kids and was super productive. All the while I would glance down at my "fancified" nails and giggle.

In theory, to keep me from having a slum ho-hum kind of day, I just need to paint my nails the night before.

Another theory, take care of myself and it will make me happier in the long run.

I kind of like that one better.

Sweet Little Petunia

A couple of months ago the white cat that came with the house had kittens. This is the 4th or 5th litter she's had. She's an outside cat and her kittens always run off when they get big enough. We want to get her fixed but just never have it in our budget. (we named her Old Lady due to her sad eyes and looking older than she is) The last time she had kittens there were complications and all 4 kittens died. They are now buried underneath the willow tree.

This time she was bigger than she was last time. We estimated on at least 5 or 6 kittens. She ended up having them underneath the house and figured it would be a while before we saw any of them.

A couple of days later she brings out 1 itty bitty kitty. All white except for 2 little dots on her head. We waited and waited for Old Lady to bring out more. Sadly we discovered that the rest of her litter did not survive.

Meet Petunia, the surviving member of that litter. We haven't officially said we are keeping her, but the kids adore her and Matthew is the one that named her Petunia. We all think that's a very sweet name. I'm fine with the whole thing as long as she stays an outdoor kitty.

Matthew and his bucket o' cuteness.

But who knows, things may change. Either way, we are enjoying having a little kitten around. Watching her catch bugs and imaginary things in the grass is nightly entertainment.

Momma's Hot Cookies!

The local church here in Parnell had a Bible School for all the kids last Monday. It was a 2 hour event and even David was able to go. That meant a whole 2 hours with no kids at the house!!

Afterwards they had little performance we got to watch. David ran over and sat in our laps as soon as we were in sight. So he just sang in our laps. We spotted Matthew hanging out with his local buddies, they were singing with very goofy expressions. *sigh* What can you do...

We were then led down to the play area where they had made cookies and decorated hot pads while they were there. This was my favorite part.

Yes, that says "Momma's Hot Cookies."

That coupled with Matthew's hilarious smug look makes this whole thing priceless.

I couldn't love him more.

David enjoying a cookie with his baker's hat. He was very serious about the cookies.

Then Matt put on David's hat, because it made us all laugh.

David holding his beloved hot pad that he lovingly decorated.